Dear Hollywood: Stop Making Movies that Make Me Want to Throw Up.

Time for a completely non-comic related rant.

So anyways, after reading the title I’m sure you think this is going to be some sort of lecture about how Hollywood movies just aren’t nearly intellectual enough for a genius like me or are morally reprehensible filth and that’s why they make me sick. That’s not that case…I happen to like stupid filth. No, more and more movies these days literally make me feel ill…to the point where I have to leave the theatre and feel lousy for an hour or more afterwards.

Apparently it’s recently been concluded that actual skill and thought is somewhat overrated when it comes to directing movies. Instead they’ve decided the thing to do is give people handheld video cameras then have them run around the set at random as the actors deliver their lines, shooting footage that bounces and shakes wildly, and zooms in and out on the actor’s faces with no rhyme or reason. And this is just when they’re talking…if something actually starts to happen, forget about it. I could throw a running video camera down a flight of stairs and get something that’s easier to follow than the action scenes in some of these shaky-cam movies.

I’m not sure what the point of this is. I mean, these films still cost 10s of millions of dollars…why would you want to spend all that and end up with something that looks like a home movie? The other day I watched “Once Upon a Time in the West” by Sergio Leone again. That movie is a towering monument of awesomeness. Each and every shot is a beautifully framed work of art…Leone can make two guys staring at each other intently more thrilling that an entire Jason Bourne movie (which are horrible shaky-cam offenders. If they weren’t the only movies still giving the lovely Julia Stiles work, I wouldn’t watch ‘em).

But the worst thing about these movies is that they actually make me feel sick. I’d never ever had this happen to me before, but in the last year I’ve had to get up and take a breather from no less than 3 movies because I thought I was in imminent danger of dousing the person sitting in front of me in stomach acid. I thought maybe I was just over sensitive (I’ve always had a problem with motion sickness) but reading around online, I’ve found this is a common problem. Particularly in relation to the latest Jason Bourne movie, I’ve read accounts of women and children suddenly explosively vomiting in the middle of the theatre as they try to watch the film. This wouldn’t fly with anything else. Could you imagine if there was a TV show that made 10 or 20% of the audience physically ill? Or a videogame? They’d get pulled right away…I’m not sure how the movie industry is getting away with it.

So yeah Hollywood, if you could stop making me feel like I have to puke when I pay 8 bucks to watch one of your films, that would be great. Oh…and while you’re at it, no more Rob Schneider movies either. Thanks.